272 The Explosive Childrather are delayed in the process of developing the skills
that are critical to being flexible and tolerating frustration.
You were also encouraged to try on for size a new phi-
losophy: children do well if they can. This is an important
philosophy, for it suggests that if your child could do
well, he would do well. In other words, he’s already mo-
tivated not to explode and already knows you don’t want
him to. So using conventional reward and punishment
strategies—consequences—to give him the incentive to
do well or teach him that he shouldn’t explode doesn’t
make a great deal of sense. These strategies often only
heighten the likelihood of explosions. And, perhaps most
important, these strategies don’t teach him the thinking
skills he lacks.
You were introduced to pathways (skills that need to
be taught) and triggers (problems that need to be
solved). Next, we began thinking about how to teach
those skills and solve those problems while simultane-
ously reducing the likelihood of explosions and at the
same time trying to help your child meet your expecta-
tions. You were introduced to three options for pursuing
problems or unmet expectations with your child. With
Plan A you’re imposing your will (thereby pursuing your
expectations but heightening the likelihood of explo-
sions and teaching no skills). With Plan C, you’re drop-
ping the expectation, at least for now (thereby reducing
the likelihood of an explosion but pursuing no expecta-
tions and teaching no skills). And with Plan B you’re do-