76 The Explosive Childthat their tantrums, explosions, swearing, screaming, and
destructiveness bring them attention or help them get
their way by coercing (or convincing) their parents to
“give in.” This belief often gives rise to the notion that
explosions are planned, intentional, purposeful, and un-
der the child’s conscious control (“He’s a very manipula-
tive kid. He knows exactly what buttons to push!”),
which, in turn, often causes adults to take the behavior
very personally (“Why is he doing this to me?”). As you
read in Chapter 2, a corollary to the belief that such be-
havior is learned is that the child has been poorly taught
or disciplined (“What that kid needs is parents who are
willing to give him a good kick in the pants”). Parents
who become convinced of this often blame themselves
for their child’s explosive behavior (“It must be us ...we
must be doing something wrong... nothing we do
seems to work with this kid”). Finally, if you believe that
such behavior is learned and the result of poor parenting
and lax discipline, then it follows that it can also be un-
learned with better and more convincing teaching and
discipline.
In general, this unlearning and re-teaching process
includes: (1) providing the child with lots of positive
attention to reduce the desirability of negative atten-
tion; (2) teaching parents to issue fewer and clearer
commands; (3) teaching the child that compliance is
expected and enforced on all parental commands and