Children do not typically hold onto their grief
over a sustained period as do adolescents and adults.
Upon learning the news of a death, they may cry, es-
pecially if others around them are doing so, but then
return to other activities (e.g., watching television or
riding a bicycle). They also may refuse to talk about
the person who has died, or show a lack of interest in
what is going on around them. Cycling in and out of
grief, however, may be a very adaptable way of han-
dling the intense emotions that will overwhelm
children. As they have no road map from prior expe-
rience, the situations involving death may be espe-
cially frightening, especiallyif distressed adults emo-
tionally abandon them. Some children may hide their
grief in order to protect their loved ones. Even with
a limited concept of death, very young children un-
derstand loss when their routines are disrupted and
when the person who has died is no longer there.
Thus, very young children may play out their grief by
insisting on enacting the familiar behavioral patterns
they had engaged in with the deceased, such as a daily
walk around the street. It also is not unusual for chil-
dren to regress (as in toilet training), show aggression
toward others, have difficulty sleeping, show fear of
the dark, or show a lack of interest in activities that
formerly were very appealing. In contrast to children,
adolescents grieve very deeply and with prolonged in-
tensity. Adolescents appear to find solace with their
peers and may reject the well-intended help of adults.
Bereaved children do not necessarily have long-
term problems. One of the most important lessons
learned from the Child Bereavement Study un-
dertaken by Phyllis Silverman and William Worden of
Harvard University is that many children who have
lost a parent show positive psychological adjustment
a year or two after their loss. These researchers found
that it was important for children to maintain the con-
nection to the deceased person through mementos,
dreams, or visits to the cemetery. These children also
reconstruct their relationship throughout their devel-
opment, with the aid of their memories and feelings,
and in an open environment where it is possible to
talk about who was lost.
Helping Children with Death
Experiences
When children feel that it is all right to talk about
death, they will do so. Frequently their questions
occur when there is a ‘‘teachable moment,’’ for in-
stance, when the class pet hamster or the relative of
a friend has died. This is the time for parents or other
adults to be open and honest, and to be aware of the
developmental level of the children’s understanding.
Honesty involves avoiding euphemisms such as
‘‘death is like sleep or a long vacation’’; clearly stating
the facts about death as in ‘‘Grandma’s body doesn’t
work anymore and she won’t be coming back’’; and
even admitting ignorance as to what happens after
death. Caring adults should also be aware that the
questions might be frequently repeated, as the child
tries to incorporate the death into his or her under-
standing of how life works. There also are a number
of books that have been written for children about
dying and death, and these too may open a dialogue
about this topic.
In addition to open and honest discussion, be-
reaved children need emotional support, as much
consistency and continuity with their past lives as pos-
sible, opportunities to remain connected to the per-
son who has died, and to not be avoided by the other
significant people in their lives. From teachers, other
adults, and friends, they need to feel that they are not
weird or different from other children. Most impor-
tantly, what all children need when it comes to death
is to feel that they are on the ‘‘same side of the wall,
rather than alone on the other side’’ (Schaeffer 1988,
p. 141).See also: MILESTONES OF DEVELOPMENTBibliography
Barrett, Ronald K. ‘‘Children and Traumatic Loss.’’ In Kenneth J.
Doka ed., Children Mourning, Mourning Children. Washington,
DC: Hospice Foundation of America, 1995.
Bluebond-Langner, Myra. ‘‘Meanings of Death to Children.’’ In
Herman Feifel ed., New Meanings of Death. New York:
McGraw-Hill, 1977.
Bluebond-Langner, Myra. ‘‘Worlds of Dying Children and Their
Well Siblings.’’ Death Studies 13, no. 1 (1988):1–16.
Corr, Charles A. ‘‘Children’s Understandings of Death.’’ In Ken-
neth J. Doka ed., Children Mourning, Mourning Children. Wash-
ington, DC: Hospice Foundation of America, 1995.
Dickinson, George. ‘‘First Childhood Death Experiences.’’ Omega
25 (1992):169–182.
Edmondson, Brad. ‘‘The Facts of Death.’’ American Demographics 73
(April 1997):46–53.
Kastenbaum, Robert J. Death, Society, and Human Experience, 7th
edition. Needham Heights, MA: Allyn and Bacon, 2001.
Koocher, Gerald P. ‘‘Children, Death, and Cognitive Develop-
ment.’’ Developmental Psychology 9 (1973):369–375.
Marwit, Samuel J., and Sandra S. Carusa. ‘‘Communicated Support
Following Loss: Examining the Experiences of Parental
Death and Parental Divorce in Adolescence.’’ Death Studies 22
(1998):237–255.
Nagy, Maria H. ‘‘The Child’s Theories Concerning Death.’’ Journal
of Genetic Psychology 73 (1948):3–27.
Schaeffer, Daniel J. Loss, Grief, and Care. Binghamton, NY: Haw-
orth Press, 1988.
Silverman, Phyllis R. Never Too Young to Know: Death in Children’s
Lives. New York: Oxford University Press, 2000.
Worden, William, and Phyllis R. Silverman. ‘‘Parental Death and
the Adjustment of School-Age Children.’’ Omega 32
(1996):91–102.
Illene C. Noppe116 DEATH