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troubles or making troubles greater than they are to create stimulation for ourselves. This is especially true if we have
greatly neglected our own lives and feelings. When we're involved with a problem, we know we're alive. When the
problem is solved, we may feel empty and void of feeling. Nothing to do. Being in crisis becomes a comfortable place,
and it saves us from our humdrum existence. It's like getting addicted to soap operas, except the daily crises occur in our
lives

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and the lives of our friends and family. "Will Ginny leave John?" "Can we save Herman's job?" "How will Henrietta
survive this dilemma?"

After we have detached and begun minding our own business and our lives finally become serene, some codependents
still occasionally crave a little of the old excitement. We may at times find our new way of life boring. We are just used
to so much turmoil and excitement that peace seems bland at first. We'll get used to it. As we develop our lives, set our
goals, and find things to do that interest us, peace will become comfortablemore comfortable than chaos. We will no
longer need nor desire excited misery.

We need to learn to recognize when we are seeking out "excited misery." Understand that we don't have to make
problems or get involved with others' problems. Find creative ways to fill our need for drama. Get enjoyable jobs. But
keep the excited misery out of our lives.

Expectations

Expectations can be a confusing topic. Most of us have expectations. We entertain certain notions, on some level of
consciousness, about how we hope things will turn out or how we want people to behave. But it is better to relinquish
expectations, so we can detach. It is better to refrain from forcing our expectations on others or refrain from trying to
control the outcome of events, since doing so causes problems and is usually impossible anyway. So where do we go
with our expectations?

Some people strive to relinquish all expectations and live moment to moment. That is admirable. But I think the
important idea here is to take responsibility for our expectations. Get them out into the light. Examine them. Talk about
them. If they involve other people, talk to the people involved. Find out if they have similar expectations. See if they're
realistic. For example, expecting healthy behavior from unhealthy people is futile; expecting different results from the
same behaviors, according to Earnie Larsen, is insane. Then, let go. See how things turn out. Let things happenwithout
forcing. If we are constantly disappointed, we may

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have a problem to solveeither with ourselves, another person, or a situation.

It's okay to have expectations. At times, they are real clues to what we want, need, hope for, and fear. We have a right to
expect good things and appropriate behavior. We will probably get more of these things (the good stuff and the
appropriate behavior) if we consistently expect these things. If we have expectations, we will also realize when they are
not being met. But we need to realize these are only expectations; they belong to us, and we're not always boss. We can
make sure our expectations are realistic and appropriate and not let them interfere with reality or let them spoil the good
things that are happening.

Fear of Intimacy

Most people want and need love. Most people want and need to be close to people. But fear is an equally strong force,
and it competes with our need for love. More specifically, this force is fear of intimacy.

For many of us, it feels safer to be alone or in relationships where we are "unemotionally involved" than it does to be
emotionally vulnerable, close, and loving. I understand that. In spite of the range of needs and wants that go unmet when
we don't love, it may feel safer to not love. We don't risk the uncertainty and vulnerability of closeness. We don't risk the