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However, the definition for codependency has expanded since then. Professionals began to better understand the effects
of the chemically dependent person on the family, and the effects of the family on the chemically dependent person.
Professionals began to identify other problems such as overeating and undereating, gambling, and certain sexual
behaviors. These compulsive disorders paralleled the compulsive disorder, or illness, of alcoholism. Professionals also
began to notice many people in close relationships with these compulsive people developed patterns of reacting and
coping that resembled the coping patterns of people in relationships with alcoholics. Something peculiar had happened to
these families, too.

As professionals began to understand codependency better, more groups of people appeared to have it: adult children of
alcoholics; people in relationships with emotionally or mentally disturbed persons; people in relationships with
chronically ill people; parents of children with behavior problems; people in relationships with irresponsible people;
professionalsnurses, social workers, and others in "helping" occupations. Even recovering alcoholics and addicts noticed
they were codependent and perhaps had been long before becoming chemically dependent.7 Codependents started
cropping up everywhere.

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When a codependent discontinued his or her relationship with a troubled person, the codependent frequently sought
another troubled person and repeated the codependent behaviors with that new person. These behaviors, or coping
mechanisms, seemed to prevail throughout the codependent's lifeif that person didn't change these behaviors.

Was it safe to assume codependency was triggered through relationships with people who have serious illnesses, behavior
problems, or destructive compulsive disorders? Alcoholism in the family helped create codependency, but many other
circumstances seemed to produce it, also.

One fairly common denominator was having a relationship, personally or professionally, with troubled, needy, or
dependent people. But a second, more common denominator seemed to be the unwritten, silent rules that usually develop
in the immediate family and set the pace for relationships. 8 These rules prohibit discussion about problems; open
expression of feelings; direct, honest communication; realistic expectations, such as being human, vulnerable, or
imperfect; selfishness; trust in other people and one's self; playing and having fun; and rocking the delicately balanced
family canoe through growth or changehowever healthy and beneficial that movement might be. These rules are common
to alcoholic family systems but can emerge in other families too.

Now, I return to an earlier question: Which definition of codependency is accurate? They all are. Some describe the
cause, some the effects, some the overall condition, some the symptoms, some the patterns, and some the pain.
Codependency either meant, or has come to mean, all the definitions listed earlier.

I'm not trying to confuse you. Codependency has a fuzzy definition because it is a gray, fuzzy condition. It is complex,
theoretical, and difficult to completely define in one or two sentences.

Why all this fuss about a definition? Because I'm going to attempt the difficultdefine codependent in one sentence. And,
I want you to see the broader picture before I show you the narrower one. I hope this approach might help you identify
codependency in yourself, if that identification is appropriate. Defining the problem is important because it

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helps determine the solution. Here, the solution is vital. It means feeling better. It means recovery.

So, here is my definition of a codependent:

A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with

controlling that person's behavior.

The other person might be a child, an adult, a lover, a spouse, a brother, a sister, a grandparent, a parent, a client, or a
best friend. He or she could be an alcoholic, a drug addict, a mentally or physically ill person, a normal person who