page_64Page 65is my opinion that it is better to detach in anger rather than to stay attached. If we are detached, we are in a better position
to work on (or through) our resentful emotions. If we're attached, we probably won't do anything other than stay upset.
When should we detach? When we can't stop thinking, talking about, or worrying about someone or something; when
our emotions are churning and boiling; when we feel like we have to do something about someone because we can't stand
it another minute; when we're hanging on by a thread, and it feels like that single thread is frayed; and when we believe
we can no longer live with the problem we've been trying to live with. It is time to detach! You will learn to recognize
when detachment is advisable. A good rule of thumb is: You need to detach most when it seems the least likely or
possible thing to do.
I'll close this chapter with a true story. One night about midnight my telephone rang. I was in bed and wondered, as I
picked up the receiver, who was calling me at that hour. I thought it had to be an emergency.
In a way it was an emergency. It was a stranger. She had been calling various friends all evening, trying to find some
kind of consolation. Apparently, she hadn't been able to find it. Someone had given her someone else's phone number,
that person had given her someone else's phone number, and the last person had suggested she call me.
Immediately upon introducing herself, the woman exploded in a tirade. Her husband used to go to Alcoholics
Anonymous. He had separated from her, and now he was seeing another woman because he wanted to "find himself."
Furthermore, before he left her, he had been acting really crazy and didn't go to meetings. And she wondered, isn't he
acting crazy now by dating a woman who is that much younger than him?
I was speechless at first, then found it hard to find a chance to talk. She went on and on. Finally she asked, "Don't you
think he's sick? Don't you think he's acting crazy? Don't you think something should be done about him?"
"That could be," I replied. "But obviously I can't do it, and neither can you. I'm more concerned about you. What are you
feeling? What do you think? What do you need to do to take care of yourself?"
page_65Page 66I shall say the same thing to you, dear reader. I know you have problems. I understand that many of you are deeply
grieved over, and concerned about, certain people in your lives. Many of them may be destroying themselves, you, and
your family, right before your eyes. But I can't do anything to control those people; and you probably can't either. If you
could, you probably would have done it by now.
Detach. Detach in love, or detach in anger, but strive for detachment. I know it's difficult, but it will become easier with
practice. If you can't let go completely, try to "hang on loose." 8 Relax. Sit back. Now, take a deep breath. The focus is
on you.
Activity
- Is there a problem or person in your life that you are excessively worried about? Write about that person or problem.
Write as much as you need to write to get it out of your system. When you have written all you need to write about that
person or problem, focus on yourself. What are you thinking? What are you feeling? - How do you feel about detaching from that person or problem? What might happen if you detach? Will that probably
happen anyway? How has staying "attached"worrying, obsessing, trying to controlhelped so far? - If you did not have that person or problem in your life, what would you be doing with your life that is different from
what you are doing now? How would you be feeling and behaving? Spend a few minutes visualizing yourself living your
life, feeling and behaving that wayin spite of your unsolved problem. Visualize your hands placing in God's hands the
person or problem you are concerned about.9 Visualize His hands gently and lovingly holding that person or willingly
accepting that problem. Now, visualize His hands holding you. All is well for the moment. All is as it should and as it
needs to be. All will be wellbetter than you think.