cover

temporarily.

I am not referring to acts of love, kindness, compassion, and true helpingsituations where our assistance is legitimately
wanted and needed and we want to give that assistance. These acts are the good stuff of life. Rescuing or caretaking isn't.

Caretaking looks like a much friendlier act than it is. It requires incompetency on the part of the person being taken care
of. We rescue "victims"people who we believe are not capable of being responsible for themselves. The victims actually
are capable of taking care of themselves, even though we and they don't admit it. Usually, our victims are just hanging
around that corner of the triangle, waiting for us to make our move and jump on the triangle with them.

After we rescue, we will inevitably move to the next corner of the triangle: persecution. We become resentful and angry
at the person we have so generously "helped." We've done something we didn't want to do, we've done something that
was not our responsibility to do, we've ignored our own needs and wants, and we get angry about it. To compli-

page_85

Page 86

cate matters, this victim, this poor person we've rescued, is not grateful for our help. He or she is not appreciative enough
of the sacrifice we have made. The victim isn't behaving the way he or she should. This person is not even taking our
advice, which we offered so readily. This person is not letting us fix that feeling. Something doesn't work right or feel
right, so we rip off our halos and pull out our pitchforks.

Sometimes, people don't notice or choose not to notice our peeved mood. Sometimes we do our best to hide it.
Sometimes we let loose with the full force of our fury; we particularly do this with family members. Something about
family tends to bring out the real us. Whether we show, hide, or partially hide our agitation and resentment, WE KNOW
what's going on.

Most of the time, the people we rescue immediately sense our shift in mood. They saw it coming. It's just the excuse they
needed to turn on us. It's their turn in the persecution corner. This may precede, happen at the same time as, or follow our
feelings of anger. Sometimes, the victims respond to our anger. Usually it is a response to our taking responsibility for
that person, which directly or indirectly tells him or her how incapable we believe he or she is. People resent being told
or shown they are incompetent, no matter how loudly they plead incompetency. And they resent us for adding insult to
injury by becoming angry with them after we point out their incompetency.

Then it's time for our final move. We head right for our favorite spot: the victim corner on the bottom. This is the
predictable and unavoidable result of a rescue. Feelings of helplessness, hurt, sorrow, shame, and self-pity abound. We
have been usedagain. We have gone unappreciatedagain. We try so hard to help people, to be good to them. We moan,
"Why? Why does this ALWAYS happen to me?" Another person has trampled on us, socked it to us. We wonder, shall
we forever be victims? Probably, if we don't stop rescuing and caretaking.

Many codependents, at some time in their lives, were true victimsof someone's abuse, neglect, abandonment, alcoholism,
or any number of situations that can victimize people. We were, at some time, truly helpless to protect ourselves or solve
our problems. Something came our way,

page_86

Page 87

something we didn't ask for, and it hurt us terribly. That is sad, truly sad. But an even sadder fact is that many of us
codependents began to see ourselves as victims. Our painful history repeats itself. As caretakers, we allow people to
victimize us, and we participate in our victimization by perpetually rescuing people. Rescuing or caretaking is not an act
of love. The Drama Triangle is a hate triangle. It fosters and maintains self-hate, and it hinders our feelings for other
people.

The triangle and the shifting roles of rescuer, persecutor, and victim are a visible process we go through. The role
changes and the emotional changes come over us as certainly and as intensely as if we were reading a script. We can
complete the process in seconds, experiencing only mild emotions as we shift roles. Or, we can take years to complete
the triangle and really work up to a major explosion. We can, and many of us do, rescue twenty times in one day.