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As codependents, we frequently dislike ourselves so much that we believe it's wrong to take ourselves into account, in
other words, appear selfish. Putting ourselves first is out of the question. Often, we think we're only worth something if
we do things for others or caretake, so we never say no. Anyone as insignificant as us must go an extra mile to be liked.
No one in their right minds could like and enjoy being with us. We think we have to do something for people to get and
keep their friendships. Much of the defensiveness I've seen in codependents comes not because we think we're above
criticism, but because we have so little self-worth that any perceived attack threatens to annihilate us. We feel so bad
about ourselves and have such a need to be perfect and avoid shame that we cannot allow anyone to tell us about
something we've done wrong. One reason some of us nag and criticize other people is because that's what we do to
ourselves.

I believe, as Earnie Larsen and other authorities do, that our low self-worth or self-hatred is tied into all aspects of our
codependency: martyrdom, refusal to enjoy life; workaholism, staying so busy we can't enjoy life; perfectionism, not
allowing ourselves to enjoy or feel good about the things we do; procrastination, heaping piles of guilt and uncertainty on
ourselves; and preventing intimacy with people such as running from relationships, avoiding commitment, staying in
destructive relationships; initiating relationships with people who are not good for us, and avoiding people who are good
for us.

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We can find endless means of torturing ourselves: overeating, neglecting our needs, comparing ourselves to others,
competing with people, obsessing, dwelling on painful memories, or imagining future painful scenes. We think, what if
she drinks again? What if she has an affair? What if a tornado hits the house? This "what if" attitude is always good for a
strong dose of fear. We scare ourselves, then wonder why we feel so frightened.

We don't like ourselves, and we're not going to let ourselves get any of the good stuff because we believe we don't
deserve it.

As codependents, we tend to enter into totally antagonistic relationships with ourselves. 3 Some of us learned these self-
hating behaviors in our families, possibly with the help of an alcoholic parent. Some of us reinforced our self-disdain by
leaving an alcoholic parent and marrying an alcoholic. We may have entered into adult relationships with fragile self-
worth, then discovered our remaining self-esteem disintegrated. A few of us may have had our self-worth completely
intact until we met him or her or until that problem came along; we suddenly or gradually found ourselves hating
ourselves. Alcoholism and other compulsive disorders destroy self-worth in alcoholics and codependents. Remember,
alcoholism and other compulsive disorders are self-destructive. Some of us may not even be aware of our low self-
esteem and self-hatred because we have been comparing ourselves to the alcoholics and other crazy people in our lives;
by comparison, we come out on top. Low self-worth can sneak up on us any time we let it.

Actually, it doesn't matter when we began torturing ourselves. We must stop now. Right now, we can give ourselves a
big emotional and mental hug. We are okay. It's wonderful to be who we are. Our thoughts are okay. Our feelings are
appropriate. We're right where we're supposed to be today, this moment. There is nothing wrong with us. There is
nothing fundamentally wrong with us. If we've done wrongs, that's okay; we were doing the best we could.

In all our codependency, with all our controlling, rescuing, and assorted character defects, we are okay. We are exactly
as we are meant to be. I've talked a lot about problems, issues, and things to changethese

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are goals, things we will do to enhance our lives. Who we are right now is okay. In fact, codependents are some of the
most loving, generous, good-hearted, and concerned people I know. We've just allowed ourselves to be tricked into doing
things that hurt us, and we're going to learn how to stop doing those things. But those tricks are our problems; they are
not us. If we have one character defect that is abhorrent, it is the way we hate and pick on ourselves. That is simply not
tolerable nor acceptable any longer. We can stop picking on ourselves for picking on ourselves. 4 This habit is not our
fault either, but it is our responsibility to learn to stop doing it.

We can cherish ourselves and our lives. We can nurture ourselves and love ourselves. We can accept our wonderful