The first stage is denial. This is a state of shock, numbness, panic, and general refusal to accept or acknowledge reality.
We do everything and anything to put things back in place or pretend the situation isn't happening. There is much anxiety
and fear in this stage. Reactions typical of denial include: refusing to believe reality ("No, this can't be!"); denying
page_134Page 135or minimizing the importance of the loss ("It's no big deal."); denying any feelings about the loss ("I don't care."); or
mental avoidance (sleeping, obsessing, compulsive behaviors, and keeping busy). 8 We may feel somewhat detached
from ourselves, and our emotional responses may be flat, nonexistent, or inappropriate (laughing when we should be
crying; crying when we should be happy).
I am convinced we do most of our codependent behaviors in this stage-obsessing, controlling, repressing feelings. I also
believe many of our feelings of "craziness" are connected to this state. We feel crazy because we are lying to ourselves.
We feel crazy because we are believing other people's lies. Nothing will help us feel crazy faster than being lied to.
Believing lies disrupts the core of our being. The deep, instinctive part of us knows the truth, but we are pushing that part
away and telling it, "You're wrong. Shut up." According to counselor Scott Egleston, we then decide there's something
fundamentally wrong with us for being suspicious, and we label ourselves and our innermost, intuitive being as
untrustworthy.
We are not denying whatever we are denying because we are stupid, stubborn, or deficient. We are not even consciously
lying to ourselves. "Denial isn't lying," explained Noel Larsen, a licensed consulting psychologist. "It's not letting
yourself know what reality is."
Denial is the bugaboo of life. It's like sleeping. We aren't aware of our actions until we've done them. We, on some level,
really believe the lies we tell ourselves. There is a reason for that, too.
"In times of great stress, we shut down our awareness emotionally, sometimes intellectually, and occasionally
physically," explained Claudia L Jewett in Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss. "A built-in mechanism
operates to screen out devastating information and to prevent us from becoming overloaded. Psychologists tell us denial
is a conscious or unconscious defense that all of us use to avoid, reduce, or prevent anxiety when we are threatened,"
Jewett continued. "We use it to shut out our awareness of things that would be too disturbing to know." 9
page_135Page 136Denial is the shock absorber for the soul. It is an instinctive and natural reaction to pain, loss, and change. It protects us.
It wards off the blows of life until we can gather our other coping resources.
- Anger
When we have quit denying our loss, we move into the next stage: anger. Our anger may be reasonable or unreasonable.
We may be justified in venting our wrath, or we may irrationally vent our fury on anything and anyone. We may blame
ourselves, God, and everyone around us for what we have lost. Depending on the nature of the loss, we may be a little
peeved, somewhat angry, downright furious, or caught in the grips of a soul-shaking rage.
This is why setting someone straight, showing someone the light, or confronting a serious problem often does not turn
out the way we expect. If we are denying a situation, we won't move directly into acceptance of realitywe'll move into
anger. That is also why we need to be careful about major confrontations.
"The vocation of putting people straight, of tearing off their masks, of forcing them to face the repressed truth, is a highly
dangerous and destructive calling," wrote John Powell in Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am? "He cannot live with
some realization. In one way or another, he keeps his psychological pieces intact by some form of self-deception... If
the psychological pieces come unglued, who will pick them up and put poor Humpty Dumpty Human Being together
again?" 10
I have witnessed frightening and violent acts when people finally face a long-denied truth. If we are planning an