I worked hard at reorienting myself from that point on. I
asked so many questions and read so much about it that
soon they had me teaching two classes for new volunteers at
HelpLine: the opening class, on active listening; and the one
on CareFrontation.
Got it, you say. It’s not about me. We need to persuade from
their perspective, not ours. But how?
By starting with their most basic wants.
In every negotiation, in every agreement, the result
comes from someone else’s decision. And sadly, if we
believe that we can control or manage others’ decisions with
compromise and logic, we’re leaving millions on the table.
But while we can’t control others’ decisions, we can
influence them by inhabiting their world and seeing and
hearing exactly what they want.
Though the intensity may differ from person to person,
you can be sure that everyone you meet is driven by two
primal urges: the need to feel safe and secure, and the need
to feel in control. If you satisfy those drives, you’re in the
door.
As we saw with my chat with Daryl, you’re not going to
logically convince them that they’re safe, secure, or in
control. Primal needs are urgent and illogical, so arguing
them into a corner is just going to push your counterpart to
flee with a counterfeit “Yes.”
And being “nice” in the form of feigned sympathy is
often equally as unsuccessful. We live in an age that
celebrates niceness under various names. We are exhorted