Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

just have to have an idea of where you want the
conversation to go when you’re devising your questions.
The trick to “How” questions is that, correctly used, they
are gentle and graceful ways to say “No” and guide your
counterpart to develop a better solution—your solution. A
gentle How/No invites collaboration and leaves your
counterpart with a feeling of having been treated with
respect.
Look back at what Julie did when the Colombian rebel
kidnappers made their first demands.
“How can we raise that much?” she asked.
Notice that she did not use the word “No.” But she still
managed to elegantly deny the kidnappers’ $5 million
demand.
As Julie did, the first and most common “No” question
you’ll use is some version of “How am I supposed to do
that?” (for example, “How can we raise that much?”). Your
tone of voice is critical as this phrase can be delivered as
either an accusation or a request for assistance. So pay
attention to your voice.
This question tends to have the positive effect of making
the other side take a good look at your situation. This
positive dynamic is what I refer to as “forced empathy,” and
it’s especially effective if leading up to it you’ve already
been empathic with your counterpart. This engages the
dynamic of reciprocity to lead them to do something for
you. Starting with José’s kidnapping, “How am I supposed
to do that?” became our primary response to a kidnapper