me: Why did they come out after six hours of radio silence?
Why did they finally give in?
All three gave me the same answer.
“We didn’t want to get caught or get shot, but you
calmed us down,” they said. “We finally believed you
wouldn’t go away, so we just came out.”
There is nothing more frustrating or disruptive to any
negotiation than to get the feeling you are talking to
someone who isn’t listening. Playing dumb is a valid
negotiating technique, and “I don’t understand” is a
legitimate response. But ignoring the other party’s position
only builds up frustration and makes them less likely to do
what you want.
The opposite of that is tactical empathy.
In my negotiating course, I tell my students that empathy
is “the ability to recognize the perspective of a counterpart,
and the vocalization of that recognition.” That’s an
academic way of saying that empathy is paying attention to
another human being, asking what they are feeling, and
making a commitment to understanding their world.
Notice I didn’t say anything about agreeing with the
other person’s values and beliefs or giving out hugs. That’s
sympathy. What I’m talking about is trying to understand a
situation from another person’s perspective.
One step beyond that is tactical empathy.
Tactical empathy is understanding the feelings and
mindset of another in the moment and also hearing what is
behind those feelings so you increase your influence in all