Lincoln reminded Judd that “you did vote for Trumbull against me” but interpreted Judd’s decision
generously: “I think, and have said a thousand times, that was no injustice to me.” Lincoln helped
Judd mediate the conflict with Wentworth, but then asked for reciprocity: “it would hurt some for me
to not get the Illinois delegation,” Lincoln wrote. “Can you not help me a little in this matter, in your
end of the vineyard?” Judd matched: he landed a major editorial supporting Lincoln in the Chicago
Tribune the following week, secured the Republican Convention in Chicago where Lincoln had
supporters, and made sure that Lincoln’s detractors were seated in the back, limiting their influence.
Although Lincoln’s default was in line with a giver style, he recognized the value of occasional
matching, and benefited from generous tit for tat. Lincoln’s acute attention to others’ perspectives gave
him “the power to forecast with uncanny accuracy what his opponents were likely to do,” explained
his secretary’s daughter, and use this forecast to “checkmate them.”
Since Jason Geller first started mentoring new hires at Deloitte, he has adopted a version of
generous tit for tat. At the end of the first meeting with a new hire, Geller makes an offer: “If this
conversation was helpful, I’m happy to do it on a monthly basis.” If the person agrees, Geller sets up
a recurring monthly meeting in his calendar, with no end date. In addition to creating opportunities for
Geller to give, the monthly meetings offer the side benefit of helping him understand who might be a
taker. “Part of the value of the ongoing dialogue is you can tell pretty quickly who’s faking it, because
the good conversations and relationships build upon each other,” Geller explains. “It’s easy to fake it
every six months, but not on a regular basis. That’s part of why I encourage people to schedule that
time. It’s part of how you sort out who’s genuine while making the biggest impact.” Once Geller
identifies a colleague as a taker, he keeps giving, but becomes more cautious in his approach. “I don’t
help them less, but the help starts to look different. I’ll listen and engage, but we’re not having a
dialogue; there’s not as much mentoring and coaching. It’s not that I will consciously be less available
to support them, but human nature leads you to invest your time where there is the biggest return—for
both of us.”
Initially, Lillian Bauer didn’t vary her investment as a function of the requester’s reciprocity style.
Before she began sincerity screening, she was generous with every audience. That changed after she
helped a family friend who sought her advice about landing a position at a top-tier consulting firm.
Bauer responded in a characteristically generous fashion: she spent more than fifty hours coaching the
candidate on nights and weekends and made connections for her at her own firm and several
competing firms. The candidate ended up receiving offers from Bauer’s firm and a competitor, and
joined Bauer’s firm. But then, despite the fact that Bauer and her colleagues had expended a great
deal of time and energy recruiting her, the candidate requested a transfer to another office in a
different country—in direct violation of the firm’s recruiting guidelines. Bauer had been duped by an
agreeable taker: “The discussions were very much around what was best for her and her only. The
way she was talking about the decision made it clear this was all about her; she was obviously going
to help herself.” Having been taken advantage of, Bauer learned to be more cautious in dealing with
takers. “After that point, it just completely changed the way I felt about her, and I wasn’t willing to be
as generous.”
Through a combination of sincerity screening and generous tit for tat, Bauer was able to avoid
becoming a doormat in advising and mentoring takers. But she hadn’t overcome the obstacle of
learning to challenge clients and say no to some of their requests, instead of being a pushover. “I was
still saying yes to the client too much, instead of pushing back.” What does it take for givers to
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(Michael S)
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