Hillbilly Elegy

fountain machine didn’t have enough
Diet Coke syrup. That’s exactly what
this fancy place’s “sparkling” water
tasted like. “Something’s wrong with
that water,” I protested. The waitress
apologized and told me she’d get me
another Pellegrino. That was when I
realized that “sparkling” water meant
“carbonated” water. I was mortified, but
luckily only one other person noticed
what had happened, and she was a
classmate. I was in the clear. No more
mistakes.
Immediately thereafter, I looked
down at the place setting and observed
an absurd number of instruments. Nine
utensils? Why, I wondered, did I need