102 The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook
MINDFuL COMMuNICATION WITH OTHERS
As you continue to practice mindfulness skills by yourself, it’s also very important that you begin
to incorporate these skills into your interactions with others. Mindful communication is often the
key to a successful relationship. If you’re constantly making judgmental statements to someone, the
chances are good that you’ll lose that relationship. In the chapters on interpersonal effectiveness
skills, you will learn how to ask others for what you need in a healthy way. But for now, let’s look
at how to be more mindful of the messages you send to other people.
Consider the following statements:
“You make me mad.” “You’re such a jerk, I could scream.” “Sometimes you make me so upset I just want to end it all.” “I know that you did that to me on purpose just to hurt me.”What do all of these statements have in common? It’s true that they all express some kind
of emotion, such as anger, distress, and sadness. But more importantly, they’re all judgments of the
other person. Each of the statements blames the other person for the way the speaker feels. Now
consider how you would feel if someone said one of these statements to you. What would you do?
Maybe you would say something just as angry back to the person, which would lead to a big fight.
The result would be that nothing gets resolved. Or maybe you would just shut down emotionally,
stop listening, or walk away. Again, nothing would get resolved. Judgmental statements like these
stop any form of effective communication. So what can you do instead?
One of the solutions is to turn “you” statements into mindful “I” statements.
Mindful “I” statements are based on your own mindful awareness of how you feel. Mindful “I” statements are a more accurate description of how you feel. Mindful “I” statements let a person know how you feel in a nonjudgmental way. Mindful “I” statements evoke greater empathy and understanding from the other
person, which allows the person to meet your needs.Let’s look at the four previous examples and turn them from “you” statements into mindful
“I” statements.
Instead of saying “You make me mad,” say “Right now, I feel very mad.” Doesn’t that sound
less judgmental and blaming? If someone said the alternative statement to you (“I feel very mad”),
wouldn’t you be more willing to discuss the situation? Wouldn’t you feel less angry?
Look at the second sentence. Instead of saying “You’re such a jerk, I could scream,” say “I
feel so angry right now I could scream.” Do you hear the difference it makes to change a “you”
statement into an “I” statement? The other person no longer feels blamed and will be more willing
to listen.