104 The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook
In the fourth sentence, the speaker feels insulted or foolish. So an alternative mindful “I”
statement could be “I feel like an idiot when you do that.”
In the fifth sentence, the speaker feels anxious, tired, or angry. So an alternative mindful “I”
statement could be “I feel anxious/tired/angry when you tease me like that.”
In the sixth sentence, the speaker feels insulted, unheard, and ignored. But he or she also
probably feels upset about being ignored. So an alternative mindful “I” statement could be “I feel
upset when you ignore me.”
In the seventh sentence, the speaker might feel many things. Usually, when you ask someone
to stop doing something, it’s because the action hurts. So maybe the speaker feels hurt, and an
alternative mindful “I” statement could be “I feel hurt when you do that.”
The eighth sentence is trickier. The speaker calls the other person some insulting expletive.
This also usually indicates that the speaker’s feelings have been hurt. So an alternative mindful “I”
statement could be similar to the last sentence: “I feel very hurt when you do that.”
The ninth sentence is phrased as a question, but it’s really a statement about how the speaker
feels. Again, the implication is that the speaker feels hurt, insulted, belittled, or something similar.
So an alternative mindful “I” statement could be any version of these: “I feel very hurt (or insulted,
or whatever) when you do that to me.”
And lastly, the tenth sentence is the trickiest because the speaker uses the word “feel.” Maybe
you were tricked into thinking that this sentence didn’t need to be changed. But this sentence is
really a hidden judgment about the other person. What the speaker really means is “I think you’re
too inflexible.” But people often exchange the word “think” for “feel” in order to hide their criti-
cism or make their judgment sound less harsh. However, now you know better, so don’t fall into
the same trap. In this case, something about the other person’s inflexible actions make the speaker
feel uncomfortable or trapped. Maybe the other person never considers other points of view before
he or she makes decisions. So an alternative mindful “I” statement could be “I feel uncomfortable
when you don’t consider my point of view.”
Mindful “I” statements are clearly a more effective way of communicating how you feel and
what you need, but they depend on your mindful awareness of your own feelings. Hopefully, after
practicing the exercises in the last two chapters, you’ve become more skilled at recognizing your
own emotions and you can start using mindful “I” statements to let others know how you feel.
DOING WHAT’S EFFECTIvE
Using successful communication skills, such as mindful “I” statements, is a part of what dialectical
behavior therapy calls “doing what’s effective” (Linehan, 1993b). This means that you do what’s
appropriate and necessary in the present moment—to resolve a problem, cope with a situation,
or reach your goal—even if what you do feels unnatural, uncomfortable, or it goes against what
you are experiencing emotionally. For example, you’re probably not comfortable making statements
like the ones you made in the last exercise, where you speak directly to the other person about
how you feel. But sometimes in order to get what you want, you have to modify what you feel like