Basic Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills 193Exercise: Red-Flag Feelings and Behaviors
Make a list in the following space of red-flag feelings or behaviors that in the past signaled a loss
of control:
Now when conflicts arise, watch out for the red flags. If you notice them, you can use a second
technique you’ve already learned: When you first notice that you’re beginning to get overwhelmed
by your emotions, start using your mindful breathing skills (see page 80). Take slow, diaphragmatic
breaths, and put all of your attention on the physical experience of the breath. This will help to
calm you and to disconnect the old neural pathways that made you feel overwhelmed.
failure to Identify Your needs
Interpersonal skills won’t do you much good if you don’t know what you want in a situation.
If you can’t clearly articulate your needs, all you’re left with is frustration. The first section of the
next chapter will offer you strategies for identifying what you want in terms of specific behavioral
change from others. Once you can articulate a need to yourself, the sections on assertiveness and
making a simple request will give you tools to say it out loud.
fear
When you feel afraid of something, interpersonal skills often go out the window. You’re just
too full of catastrophic “what ifs” to think clearly. “What if I’m rejected? What if I lose my job?
What if I can’t stand this?” Catastrophic thoughts can scare you into using aggressive and aversive
strategies. Or they can cause you to avoid a situation altogether. The net result is that you don’t
function well and aren’t effective.
Wise-mind meditation (see page 87) can help you manage in the face of fear, as can mindful
breathing. Another thing you can do is directly confront your catastrophic thoughts. There are
two steps to this.