Basic Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills 197of pain because you never asked for what you want. In contrast to this myth, a
healthy alternative coping thought is “I have a right to ask for things—even if the
other person won’t give them.” Myth #3. You may feel that it’s selfish to ask for things because of messages in your
early family that said your needs didn’t count or that your needs were less impor-
tant than the needs of others. When you examine it, is this really true? Is there
something flawed or wrong with you that makes your needs relatively unimportant?
The truth is that everyone’s needs are valid, and equally important. It isn’t selfish
to ask for things or set limits. It’s normal. It’s healthy and necessary. Our survival
as individuals depends on knowing and saying what we want. Because if we don’t,
folks don’t pay attention. A helpful coping thought is “It’s normal and healthy to
ask for things.”
Myth #4. Control is relative. You can’t control the behavior of others, even though
some folks go nuts trying. What can be controlled is your behavior. Passive or
aggressive styles often have bad outcomes. People ignore your needs or get angry
and resist you. That’s why you feel helpless—the strategies you’re using aren’t effec-
tive. Assertive behavior gets better results. People—more often than not—listen and
respond positively. In contrast to this myth, a helpful alternative coping thought is
“I can choose to behave in more effective ways.”