The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook for Anxiety

Advanced Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills 201

Exercise: Knowing What You Want

Think of a recent experience where you had a bad feeling during an interaction. Getting from the
feeling to a clear statement of desire would involve the following process:

1. Put the feeling into words:

2. What do you want the other person to change?

 More of

 Less of

 Stop doing

 Start doing

 When

 Where

 Frequency

Now put all this information into one or more clear sentences:

A woman whose sister frequently criticized how she parented a difficult child wrote this
description of what she wanted changed: “I’d like Brenda to stop talking about Mike [my son]
and stop talking about my ‘needing a backbone’ with him. I’d like her to stop it, in particular,
when we’re around people we know. Instead, I’d rather she ask me about other things—work, my
photographs, my writing.”
The problem with getting clear and specific about your desires is that it brings up anxiety.
Do you deserve to ask for things? Do you dare trouble people with your needs? Are you allowed to
disappoint, to annoy, to push people to make an effort on your behalf? The answer is yes. And the
reason is that you are a human being who feels, who yearns for things, who hurts, who struggles
with moments of pain. All of this entitles you to be heard.
Unfortunately, many people grow up in families that invalidate their needs. And all their lives
they feel afraid to ask for things—as if they were bad or undeserving, as if their feelings and pain
had no importance.