The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook for Anxiety

208 The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook

 “If you can’t leave for the party on time, I’ll take my own car.”

 “If you can’t help with the cleaning, I’ll hire a maid and we’ll divide that

ex pen se.”

 “If you can’t find a way to keep the party noise down, I’ll ask the police to

help you.”

 “If you want to drive without insurance, I’ll transfer the title to your name

and you can take over the payments as well.”

None of these self-care solutions are designed to hurt the other person; they’re

about protecting your rights and taking care of your own needs.

Integrating the Components of Being Assertive

Now, let’s integrate the components of an assertive statement so you can see how they fit
together. Here are some examples:

exaMple #1

I think: It’s been three years since we’ve had a cost-of-living raise, and prices have increased more

than 10 percent in that time.

I feel: I feel left out, because the company’s doing well and I’m not participating in that.

I want: I’d like a 10 percent cost-of-living adjustment soon so my income can keep pace with

inflation.

Self-care: If we can’t work this out, I’m going to have to look for something else so I can better

support my family.

exaMple #2

I think: I’ve been working against a deadline tonight and haven’t had time to cook dinner.

I feel: I’m pretty anxious and overwhelmed that I might not get this done.

I want: Could you whip something together from leftovers so I can keep going?

Self-care: If that doesn’t work for you, I can order a pizza.

One way to use your self-care solution is to hold it in reserve—only using it if the other person
refuses your preferred solution. Saving the “big guns” for later is often an effective strategy.