Once Upon A Time In Carrotland My YouTube Autobiography Which I Definitely Wrote All Of

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say to me, “Oh darling, their story was so boring. We totally won the

To tell the story, I must first set the scene by describing my parents
jobs, which were mildly interesting. Father was a firefighter, and Mother
was a police officer. My mother’s job involved arresting pesky
miscreants and ne’er do wells. She told my brother Jordan and I how
she valiantly chased pickpockets down the cobbled streets of
Caterham in Southern England. My father talked casually about saving
lives and heroically rescuing people and cats from burning buildings.
Growing up, I wanted to be a police officer and a firefighter at the
same time. A fire officer perhaps, or a police fighter. My father’s
firefighter suit and yellow helmet made him look like a superhero to me,
but my favourite colour was police-black. My mother had de-
escalation training and a walkie-talkie, which was seriously cool, but
my father also had his fire hose and his pure fearlessness.

My parents’ romance began in the summer of 1988, as the last of
the apple blossom lingered delicately on the trees of the orchards.
Caterham is best known for the East Surrey Museum which has a
fascinating selection of many really old items of varying importance and
a gift shop. There is Caterham Valley and Caterham on the Hill, and
residents fiercely debate which is better. We lived in Caterham Valley,
which is definitely better. Everyone there agrees. A lot of people
commute into London from Caterham, as the train links are excellent
and Caterham School is only a twenty minute saunter from the station.
Both of these facts make the bustling train station an unlikely setting
for a story of true love at first sight.
Animals rarely walk down the streets of Caterham, but on the day
my parents met, cries rang through the air that there was a goose on
the loose. Actually, on closer inspection, it turned out to be a swan.
The swan was first sighted close to the East Surrey Museum, crying
out in terrible pain. It ran around, burning. Yes, it was on fire! At first, it
was difficult to tell what it was. The fire had engulfed more than half of
its body. It was like a moving ball of fire, knocking into rubbish bins and
setting litter ablaze in its wake. Nobody knew where the swan came
from or how it came to be on fire. Only time will tell.

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