86 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
the ones that divide the various sides. For instance, you and your
spouse may not agree on whether or not you should take the pro
motion, but you can agree that the needs of your relationship
and the children come before career aspirations. By focusing on
higher and longer-term goals, you can find a way to transcend
short-term compromises, build Mutual Purpose, and get to dia
logue.
Ilrainstorm New Strategies
Once you've built safety by finding a shared purpose, you should
now have enough safety to return to the content of the conver
sation. It's time to step back into the dialogue and brainstorm
strategies that meet everyone's needs. If you've committed to
finding something everyone can agree on, and surfaced what you
really want, you'll no longer be spending your energy on unpro
ductive conflict. Instead, you'll be actively coming up with
options that can serve everyone.
Suspend judgment and think outside the box for new alterna
tives. Can you find a way to work in a job that is local and still
meets your career goals? Is this job with this company the only
thing that will make you happy? Is a move really necessary in
this new job? Is there another community that could offer your
family the same benefits? If you're not willing to give creativity
a try, it'll be impossible for you to jointly come up with a mutu
ally acceptable option. If you are, the sky's the limit.
CRIB to Get to Mutual Purpose
So when you sense that you and others are working at cross
purposes, here's what you can do. First, step out of the content
of the conflict. Stop focusing on who thinks what. Then CRIB
your way to Mutual Purpose.