110 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONSjustify. 1
We sell out when we consciously act against our own sense of
what's right. And after we've sold out, we have only two choices:
own up to our sellout, or try to justify it. And if we don't admit
to our errors, we inevitably look for ways to justify them. That's
when we begin to tell clever stories.
Let's look at an example of a sellout: You're driving in heavy
traffic. You begin to pass cars that are attempting to merge into
your lane. A car very near you has accelerated and is entering your
lane. A thought strikes you that you should let him in. It's the nice
thing to do, and you'd want someone to let you in. But you don't.
You accelerate forward and close the gap. What happens next?
You begin to have thoughts like these: "He can't just crowd in on
me. What a jerk! I've been fighting this traffic a long time. Besides,
I've got an important appointment to get to." And so on.
This story makes you the innocent victim and the other per
son the nasty villain. Under the influence of this story you now
feel justified in not doing what you originally thought you should
have done. You also ignore what you would think of others who
did the same thing-"That jerk didn't let me in!"
Consider an example more related to crucial conversations.
Your spouse has an annoying habit. It's not a big deal, but you
feel you should mention it. But you don't. Instead, you just huff
or roll your eyes, hoping that will send the message. Unfortun
ately, your spouse doesn't pick up the hint and continues the habit.
Your annoyance turns to resentment. You feel disgusted that your
spouse is so thick that he or she can't pick up an obvious hint. And
besides, you shouldn't have to mention this anyway-any reason
able person should notice this on his or her own! Do you have to
point out everything? From this point forward you begin to make
insulting wisecracks about the issue until it escalates into an ugly
confrontation.
Notice the order of the events in both of these examples. What