EXPLORE OTHERS' PATHS 149to understand others' views. When we show genuine interest, peo
ple feel less compelled to use silence or violence. For example: "Do
you like my new dress, or are you going to call the modesty
police?" Wendy smirks.
"What do you mean?" you ask. "I'd like to hear your concerns."
If you're willing to step out of the fray and simply invite the
other person to talk about what's really going on, it can go a long
way toward breaking the downward spiral and getting to the
source of the problem.
Common invitations include:
"What's going on?"
"I'd really like to hear your opinion on this."
"Please let me know if you see it differently."
"Don't worry about hurting my feelings. I really want to
hear your thoughts."
Mirror to Confirm Feelings
If asking others to share their path doesn't open things up, mirror
ing can help build more safety. In mirroring, we take the portion of
the other person's Path to Action we have access to and make it
safe for him or her to discuss it. All we have so far are actions and
some hints about the other person's emotions, so we start there.
When we mirror, as the name suggests, we hold a mirror up
to the other person-describing how they look or act. Although
we may not understand others' stories or facts, we can see their
actions and get clues about their feelings.
This particular tool is most useful when another person's tone
or voice or gestures (hints about the emotions behind them) are
inconsistent with his or her words. For example: "Don't worry.
I'm fine." (But the person in question is saying this with a look
t hat suggests he is actually quite upset. He's frowning, looking
around, and sort of kicking at the ground.)