EXPLORE OTHERS' PATHS 1 51The key to paraphrasing, as with mirroring, is to remain calm
and collected. Our goal is to make it safe, not to act horrified and
suggest that the conversation is about to tum ugly. Stay focused
on figuring out how a reasonable, rational, and decent person
could have created this Path to Action. This will help you keep
from becoming angry or defensive. Simply rephrase what the per
son has said, and do it in a way that suggests that it's okay, you're
trying to understand, and it's safe for him or her to talk candidly.
Don't push too hard. Let's see where we are. We can tell that
another person has more to share than he or she is currently
sharing. He or she is going to silence or violence, and we want
to know why. We want to get back to the source (the facts)
where we can solve the problem. To encourage the person to
share, we've tried three listening tools. We've asked, mirrored,
and paraphrased. The person is still upset, but isn't explaining
his or her stories or facts.
Now what? At this point, we may want to back off. After a
while, our attempts to make it safe for others can start feeling as
if we're pestering or prying. If we push too hard, we violate both
purpose and respect. Others may think our purpose is merely to
extract what we want from them and conclude that we don't care
about them personally. So instead, we back off. Rather than try
ing to get to the source of the other person's emotions, we either
gracefully exit or ask what he or she wants to see happen. Asking
people what they want helps them engage their brains in a way
that moves to problem solving and away from either attacking or
avoiding. It also helps reveal what they think the cause of the
problem is.
frime When You're Getting Nowhere
On the other hand, there are times when you may conclude that
others would like to open up but still don't feel safe. Or maybe
they're still in violence, haven't come down from the adrenaline,