176 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONSCouples get into trouble in this area when one of the parties
doesn't want to take the time to think carefully about the "deliv
erables" and then later on becomes upset because his or her
unstated desires weren't met. Have you ever remodeled a room
with a loved one? Then you know what we're talking about.
Better to spend the time up front clarifying exactly what you want
rather than waste resources and hurt feelings on the back end.
To help clarify deliverables, use Contrasting. If you've seen
people misunderstand an assignment in the past, explain the
common mistake as an example of what you don't want. If pos
sible, point to physical examples. Rather than talk in the
abstract, bring a prototype or sample. We learned this particular
trick when hiring a set designer. The renowned designer talked
about what he would deliver, and it sounded great to us. Twenty
five thousand dollars later he delivered something that would
never work. We had to start over from scratch. From that day on
we've learned to point to pictures and talk about what we want
and don't want. The clearer the picture of the deliverable, the
less likely you'll be unpleasantly surprised.
By When?It's shocking how often people leave this element out of an
assignment. Instead of giving a deadline, people simply point to
the setting sun of "someday." With vague or unspoken deadlines,
other urgencies come up, and the assignment finds its way to the
bottom of the pile, where it is soon forgotten. Assignments with
out deadlines are far better at producing guilt than stimulating
action. Goals without deadlines aren't goals; they're merely
directions.
How Will You Follow Up?Always agree on how often and by what method you'll follow up
on the assignment. It could be a simple email confirming the