196 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONSThe Danger Point
Often couples come to an unspoken agreement during the first
year or so of their marriage that affects how they communicate
for the rest of their marriage. Say one person is touchy and
can't take feedback, or the other doesn't give it very well. In
any case, they in effect agree to say nothing to each other. They
live in silence. Problems have to be huge before they're dis
cussed.
The Solution
This is generally a problem of not knowing how to STATE
your path. When something bothers you, catch it early.
Contrasting can also help. "I'm not trying to blow this out of
proportion. I just want to deal with it before it gets out of
hand." Describe the specific behaviors you've observed.
"When Jimmy leaves his room a mess, you use sarcasm to get
his attention. You call him a 'pig' and then laugh as if you
didn't mean it." Tentatively explain the consequences. "I don't
think it's having the effect you want. He doesn't pick up on the
hint, and I'm afraid that he's starting to resent you" (Your
story). Encourage testing: "Do you see it differently?"
Finally, Learn to Look for signs that safety is at risk, and Make
It Safe. When you STATE things well and others become defen
sive, refuse to conclude that the issue is impossible to discuss.
Think harder about your approach. Step out of the content, do
what it takes to make sure your partner feels safe, and then try
again to candidly STATE your view.
When spouses stop giving each other helpful feedback, they
lose out on the help of a lifelong confidant and coach. They miss
out on hundreds of opportunities to help each other communicate
more effectively.