206 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
meetings and agrees to do better, the next conversation should
not be about tardiness. It should be about his or her failure to
keep a commitment. This is a bigger issue. It's now about trust
and respect.
People often become far more emotional than the issue they're
discussing warrants because they're talking about the wrong
issue. If you're really bothered because of a pattern, but you're
talking about this latest instance, your emotions will seem out of
proportion. In contrast, an interesting thing happens when you
hold the right conversation. Your emotions calm down. When
you talk about what's really eating you-the pattern-you'll be
able to be more composed and effective.
Don't get pulled into any one instance or your concern will
seem trivial. Talk about the overall pattern.
I NEED TIME TO CALM DOWN!
"YEAH,
BUT ...IVE BEEN TOLD THA T I should never go to bed angry. Is
that always a good idea?"The Danger Point
Once you've become angry, it's not always easy to calm down.
You've told yourself an ugly story, your body has responded by
preparing for a fight, and now you're trying your best not to
duke it out-only your body hasn't caught up with your brain.
So what do you do? Do you try to stay in dialogue even though
your intuition tells you to back off and buy some time? After all,
Mom said, "Never go to bed angry."
The Solution
Okay, so your mom wasn't exactly right. She was right by sug
gesting that you shouldn't let serious problems go unresolved.