42 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
When we (the authors) are in the middle of an on-site work
shop and we suggest there are alternatives to Sucker's Choicesj
someone invariably says: "Maybe you can speak honestly and
still be heard in other organizations, but if you try it here, you'll
be eaten alive!" Or the flip side: "You've got to know when to
fold if you want to survive for another day." Then in a hail of "I'll
say!" and "Here, here!" many nod in agreement.
At first, we thought that maybe there were places where dia
logue couldn't survive. But then we learned to ask: "Are you say
ing there isn't anyone you know who is able to hold a high-risk
conversation in a way that solves problems and builds relation
ships?" There usually is.
SUMMARY-START WITH HEART
Here's how people who are skilled at dialogue stay focused on
their goals-particularly when the going gets tough.
Work on Me First
- Remember that the only person you can directly control is
yourself.
Focus on What You Really Want- When you find yourself moving toward silence or violencej
stop and pay attention to your motives.- Ask yourself: "What does my behavior tell me about what
my motives are?" - Then, clarify what you really want. Ask yourself: "What do
I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?" - And finally, ask: "How would I behave if this were what I
really wanted?"
- Ask yourself: "What does my behavior tell me about what