Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

50 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS

you able to absorb potentially threatening feedback so well? If
you're like the rest of us, it's because you believed that the other
person had your best interest in mind. In addition, you respected
the other person's opinion. You felt safe receiving the feedback
because you trusted the motives and ability of the other person.
You didn't need to defend yourself from what was being said.
On the other hand, if you don't feel safe, you can't take any
feedback. It's as if the pool of meaning has a lid on it. "What do
you mean I look good? Is that some kind of joke? Are you rib­
bing me?" When you don't feel safe, even well-intended com­
ments are suspect.
When it's unsafe, you start to go blind. By carefully watching
for safety violations, not only can you see when dialogue is in
danger, but you can also reengage your brain. As we've said
before, when your emotions start cranking up, key brain func­
tions start shutting down. Not only do you prepare to take fl ight,
but your peripheral vision actually narrows. In fact, when you
feel genuinely threatened, you can scarcely see beyond what's
right in front of you. Similarly, when you feel the outcome of a
conversation is being threatened, you have a hard time seeing
beyond the point you're trying to make. By pulling yourself out
of the content of an argument and watching for fear, you reen­
gage your brain and your full vision returns.
Don't let safety problems lead you astray. Let's add a note of
caution. When others begin to feel unsafe, they start doing nasty
things. Now, since they're feeling unsafe, you should be thinking
to yourself: "Hey, they're feeling unsafe. I need to do some­
thing-maybe make it safer." That's what you should be think­
ing. Unfortunately, since others feel unsafe, they may be trying to
make fun of you, insult you, or bowl you over with their argu­
ments. This kind of aggressive behavior doesn't exactly bring out
the diplomat in you. So instead of taking their attack as a sign
that safety is at risk, you take it at its face-as an attack. "I'm