MAKE IT SAFE 67The key is to step out of the content of the conversation. Don't
stay stuck in what's being said. Yvonne exited because she was
focused on what Jotham was saying. If she had been looking at
Jotham's behavior, she would have spotted his use of sarcasm
a form of masking. Rather than talking out his concern, he's tak
ing a potshot. Why would he do that? Because he doesn't feel
safe using dialogue. But Yvonne missed this point.
Now, we're not suggesting that Jotham's behavior is acceptable,
or that Yvonne should put up with it. But first things first-Start
with Heart. The first question is: "What do I really want?"
If you really want to have a healthy conversation about a topic
that will make or break your relationship, then for a moment or
two you may have to set aside confronting the current issue
i.e., Jotham's sarcasm.
Yvonne's challenge here is to build safety-enough so that she
can talk about their physical relationship, about the way Jotham
is dealing with it, or about any other concerns. But if she doesn't
make it safe, all she's going to get is a continuation of the silence
and violence games.
So, what should she do?
In these circumstances, the worst at dialogue do what both
Jotham and Yvonne did. Like Jotham, they totally ignore the cry
ing need for more safety. They say whatever is on their minds
with no regard for how it will be received. Or like Yvonne, they
conclude the topic is completely unsafe and move to silence.
The good realize that safety is at risk, but they fix it in exactly
the wrong way. They try to make the subject more palatable by
sugarcoating their message. "Oh, honey, I really want to be with
you but I'm under a lot of pressure at work, and the stress makes
it hard for me to enjoy our time together." They try to make
things safer by watering down their content. This strategy, of
l:ourse, avoids the real problem, and it never gets fixed.