70 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
is to get our way or manipulate others, it will quickly become
apparent, safety will be destroyed, and we'll be back to silence
and violence in no time. Before you begin, examine your motives.
Ask yourself the Start with Heart questions:
- What do I want for me?
- What do I want for others?
- What do I want for the relationship?
Look fo r the mutuality. Let's see how Mutual Purpose applies
to a tough example-one where, at first glance, it might appear
as if your purpose is to make things better for yourself. How can
you find Mutual Purpose in this? Let's say you've got a boss who
frequently fails to keep commitments. How could you tell the
boss you don't trust him? Surely there's no way to say this with
out the boss becoming defensive or vengeful, because he knows
that your goal is merely to make your life better.
To avoid disaster, find a Mutual Purpose that would be so
motivating to the boss that he'd want to hear your concerns. If
your only reason for approaching the boss is to get what you
want, the boss will hear you as critical and selfish-which is what
you are. On the other hand, if you try to see the other person's
point of view, you can often find a way to draw the other person
willingly into even very sensitive conversations. For example, if
the boss's behavior is causing you to miss deadlines he cares
about, or incur costs he frets over, or lose productivity that he
worries about, then you're onto a possible Mutual Purpose.
Imagine raising the topic this way: "I've got some ideas for
how I can be much more reliable and even reduce costs by a few
thousand dollars in preparing the report each month. It's going
to be a bit of a sensitive conversation-but I think it will help a
great deal if we can talk about it."