107this gives the church an opportunity to provide support and a
spiritual and emotional “home” to the abandoned person.
In no way are we advocating divorce. The point is that you
can’t make anyone stay with or love you. Ultimately that is up to
your partner. Sometimes setting boundaries clarifies that you
were left a long time ago, in every way, perhaps, except physi-
cally. Often, when a crisis like this occurs, it helps the struggling
couple reconcile and remake their marriage into a more biblical
one. The problem was raised, and now can be addressed.
Warning: the boundaryless spouse who develops limits
begins changing in the marriage. There are more disagreements.
There are more conflicts over values, schedules, money, kids,
and sex. Quite often, however, the limits help the out-of-control
spouse begin to experience the necessary pain that can motivate
him or her to take more responsibility in the marriage. Many
marriages are strengthened after boundaries are set because the
spouse begins to miss the relationship.
Will some people abandon or attack us for having bound-
aries? Yes. Better to learn about their character and take steps
to fix the problem than never to know.
Bonding First, Boundaries Second
Gina listened attentively to her counselor as he presented
her boundary problems. “It all seems to make sense now, ” she
said as she left the session. “I can see changes I’m going to have
to make.”
The next session was quite different. She entered the office
defeated and hurt. “These boundaries aren’t what they’re
cracked up to be,” she said sadly. “This week I confronted my
husband, my kids, my parents, and my friends on how they don’t
respect my boundaries. And now nobody will talk to me!”
What was the problem? Gina certainly jumped into her
boundary work with both feet—but she neglected to find a safe
place to work on boundaries. It isn’t wise to immediately alien-
ate yourself from everyone important to you. Remember that
Common Boundary Myths