111attempting to get inside his financial boundaries, and Carl’s
anger was simply doing its job.
Anger also provides us with a sense of power to solve a prob-
lem. It energizes us to protect ourselves, those we love, and our
principles. In fact, a common Old Testament illustration of an
angry person is someone with a “hard-breathing nose.”^1 Imag-
ine a bull in a ring, snorting and pawing, getting the steam up to
attack, and you’ll get the picture.
However, as with all emotions, anger doesn’t understand
time. Anger doesn’t dissipate automatically if the danger
occurred two minutes ago—or twenty years ago! It has to be
worked through appropriately. Otherwise, anger simply lives
inside the heart.
This is why individuals with injured boundaries often are
shocked by the rage they feel inside when they begin setting
limits. This is generally not “new anger”—it’s “old anger.” It’s
often years of nos that were never voiced, never respected, and
never listened to. The protests against all the evil and violation
of our souls sit inside us, waiting to tell their truths.
The Scriptures say that the earth quakes “under a slave when
he becomes king” (Prov. 30:22). The only difference between a
slave and a king is that one has no choices and the other has all
choices available to him. When you suddenly give those who
have been imprisoned all their lives a great deal of power, the
result is often an angry tyrant. Years of constant boundary vio-
lations generate great anger.
It’s very common for boundary-injured people to do some
“catching up” with anger. They may have a season of looking at
boundary violations of the past that they never realized existed.
Nathan’s family was known in his small town as the ideal
family. Other kids envied him growing up, saying, “You’re lucky
your parents are so close to you—mine couldn’t care less about
me.” Feeling a great deal of gratitude for his close family,
Nathan never noticed that his family carefully controlled differ-
ences and separateness. No one ever really disagreed or fought
over values or feelings. “I always thought conflict meant a loss
of love,” he would say.
Common Boundary Myths