139the attachment, and she can begin to take responsibility for the
control that ran her friend off.
- Now what? At this point, if both friends are open, the two
can renegotiate the relationship. They can set new ground rules,
such as, “I’ll stop nagging if you’ll stop being critical,” and can
build a new friendship.
Conflict #3: Compliant/Manipulative Controller
“Cathy, I’m in a real jam, and you’re the only one I can
depend on to help me out. I can’t get a baby-sitter for the kids,
and I have this church meeting....”
Cathy listened to the plight of her friend, Sharon. It was the usual
story. Sharon neglected to plan for events, to call ahead for sitters.
She often called Cathy to help out in these self-induced emergencies.
Cathy hated being stuck in this position. Sharon didn’t do it
on purpose, and she needed her for a good cause, but Cathy still
felt used and exploited. What was she to do?
Many friendships get stuck in this interaction between com-
pliants and manipulative controllers. Why do we call Sharon
controlling? She’s not consciously trying to manipulate her
friend; however, no matter what her good intentions are, when
she’s in a jam, Sharon uses her friends. She takes them for
granted, thinking that they shouldn’t mind doing a friend a
favor. Her friends go along, saying, “Well, that’s just Sharon.”
They stifle their resentment.
Let’s run this conflict through our boundary checklist:
- What are the symptoms? The compliant (Cathy) feels
resentment at the manipulative controller’s (Sharon’s) last-
minute requests. Cathy feels as though her friendship is being
taken for granted. She begins to avoid her friend. - What are the roots? Sharon’s parents rescued her from
every jam, from finishing term papers at 3:00 A.M. to lending her
money when she was well into her thirties. She lived in a very
forgiving universe, where nice people would always help her
out. She never had to face her own irresponsibility and lack of
discipline and planning.
As a child, Cathy didn’t like her mother’s hurt look when
she said no. She grew up afraid of hurting others by setting
Boundaries and Your Friends