151“That can’t be the reason,” I said. “People don’t make other
people angry. Your anger has to come from something inside of
you.”
“What do you mean? He’s the one who comes home late.”
“Well, what if you had plans to go out with your friends that
night? Would you still be angry at him for being late?”
“Well, no. That’s different.”
“What’s different? You said you were angry because he was
late, and he would still be late, yet you wouldn’t be angry.”
“Well, in that situation, he wouldn’t be doing anything to
hurt me.”
“Not exactly,” I pointed out. “The difference is that you
wouldn’t be wanting something that he didn’t want to give. Your
disappointed desire is what hurts you, not his being late. The
problem lies in who is responsible for the want. It is your want,
not his. You are responsible for getting it fulfilled. That is a rule
of life. We do not get everything we want, and we all must grieve
over our disappointments instead of punish others for them.”
“What about common respect? Staying at the office is self-
ish,” she said.
“Well, he wants to work some nights, and you want him
home. Both of you want something for yourselves. We could say
that you are as selfish as he is. The truth is that neither one of
you is selfish. You just have conflicting wants. This is what mar-
riage is about—getting conflicting wants worked out.”
There was no “bad guy” in this situation. Both Jim and Susan
had needs. Jim needed to work late, and Susan needed him
home. Problems arise when we make someone else responsible
for our needs and wants, and when we blame them for our dis-
appointments.
Limits on What I Can Give
We are finite creatures and must give as we “decide in [our]
heart to give” (2 Cor. 9:7), being aware of when we are giving
past the love point to the resentment point. Problems arise
when we blame someone else for our own lack of limits. Often
Boundaries and Your Spouse