153that you are not going to take responsibility for her wants. You’re
going to give as you choose, and she is responsible for the rest.”
Bob saw the logic in my suggestion and decided to talk with
Nancy. It was not pretty at first. No one had ever said no to
Nancy before, and she did not take well to it. But, over time,
Bob took responsibility for his limits instead of wishing that
Nancy would not want so much, and his limits took effect. She
learned something that she had never learned before: the world
does not exist for her. Other people are not extensions of her
wants and desires. Other people have wants and needs of their
own, and we must negotiate a fair and loving relationship and
respect each other’s limits.
The key here is that the other person is not responsible for
our limits; we are. Only we know what we can and want to give,
and only we can be responsible for drawing that line. If we do
not draw it, we can quickly become resentful.
Applying the Laws of Boundaries to Marriage
In Chapter 5 we talked about the ten laws of boundaries.
Let’s apply a few of those laws to troubled marital situations.
The Law of Sowing and Reaping
Many times one spouse may be out of control and may not
suffer the consequences of this behavior. The husband yells at
his wife, and she tries to be more loving. In effect, the evil
(yelling) produces good things (more loving) for him. Or, a wife
overspends, and her husband pays the consequences. He gets a
second job to cover the mound of bills.
Natural consequences are needed to resolve these problems.
A wife needs to tell her overly critical husband that if he con-
tinues to berate her, she will go into another room until he can
discuss the problem rationally. Or, she could say something like,
“I will not talk about this issue with you anymore alone. I will
only talk in the presence of a counselor.” Or, “If you start yelling
at me again, I will go to Jane’s house to spend the night.” The
husband with the spendthrift wife needs to cancel the credit
Boundaries and Your Spouse