175a crowd of people in a boat in a time of great ministry and need:
“because so many people were coming and going that [he and his
disciples] did not even have a chance to eat” (Mark 6:31).
Boundaries play a primary role in this process. Our limits
create a spiritual and emotional space, a separateness, between
ourselves and others. This allows our needs to be heard and
understood. Without a solid sense of boundaries, it becomes dif-
ficult to filter out our needs from those of others. There is too
much static in the relationship.
When children can be taught to experience their own needs,
as opposed to those of others, they have been given a genuine
advantage in life. They are able to better avoid the burnout that
comes from not taking care of one’s self.
How can we help our children experience their own indi-
vidual needs? The best thing a parent can do is to encourage
verbal expression of those needs, even when they don’t “go with
the family flow.” When children have permission to ask for
something that goes against the grain—even though they might
not receive it—they develop a sense of what they need.
Below are some ways you can help your children:
- Allow them to talk about their anger.
- Allow them to express grief, loss, or sadness without trying to
cheer them up and talk them out of their feelings. - Encourage them to ask questions and not assume your words are
the equivalent of Scripture (this takes a pretty secure parent!). - Ask them what they are feeling when they seem isolated or
distressed; help them put words to their negative feelings. Do
not try to keep things light for a false sense of cooperation and
family closeness.
The first aspect of taking ownership over one’s needs, then,
is to identify them. That’s where our spiritual radar comes in.
Janice’s radar was broken and undeveloped, and she wasn’t able
to identify her needs.
The second aspect of taking ownership is to initiate respon-
sible caretaking for ourselves—as opposed to placing the burden
on someone else. We must allow our children to experience the
Boundaries and Your Children