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Teaching delay of gratification shouldn’t begin until after the
first year of life, when a foundation of safety has been estab-
lished between baby and mother. Just as grace always precedes
truth (John 1:17), attachment must come before separation.
Five to Ten Months
As we learned in Chapter 4, children in the last half of the
first year of life are in the “hatching” phase. They are learning
that “Mother and I aren’t the same.” There’s a scary, fascinating
world out there that babies literally crawl toward. Though they
have tremendous dependency needs, infants are beginning to
move out of their oneness with their mom.
To help their children develop good boundaries during this
stage, parents need to encourage attempts at separateness, while
still being the anchors the child clings to. Allow your child to be
fascinated with people and objects other than you. Make your
home a safe place for your baby to explore.
Helping your children hatch, however, doesn’t mean
neglecting the deep attachment necessary for their internal
foundation, their rootedness and groundedness. This is still an
infant’s primary work. You need to carefully tend to your child’s
needs for bonding and emotional safety, while at the same time
allowing the child to look outward, beyond you.
Many mothers find this transition from their child’s love
affair with them to the big wide world difficult. The loss of such
a deep intimacy is great, especially after the time spent in preg-
nancy and childbirth. The responsible mother, however, will
strive to get her own closeness needs met by other adults in her
life. She will encourage the “hatching” of her baby, knowing she
is preparing him or her to be equipped to “leave and cleave.”
At this point, most infants don’t yet have the ability to under-
stand and respond appropriately to the word no. Keeping them
out of danger by picking them up and removing them from
unsafe places is the best route.
Boundaries