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Eleven to Eighteen Years
Adolescence, the final step before adulthood, involves
important tasks such as sexual maturation, a sense of solidifying
identity in any surrounding, career leanings, and love choices. It
can be a frightening yet exciting time for both child and parents.
By this point, the “de-parenting” process should have begun.
Things are beginning to shift between you and your youngster.
Instead of controlling your child, you influence her. You
increase her freedom, as well as responsibility. You renegotiate
restrictions, limits, and consequences with more flexibility.
All of these changes are like the countdown of a NASA space
shuttle. You are preparing for the launching of a young adult
into the world. Wise parents keep the imminent catapulting of
their teens into society in the back of their minds at all times.
The question they must always struggle with is no longer, “How
can I make them behave?” but rather, “How can I help them
survive on their own?”
Teens need to be setting their own relational, scheduling,
values, and money boundaries as much as possible. And they
should suffer real-life consequences when they cross their
boundaries. The seventeen-year-old who is still disciplined with
TV and phone restrictions may have real problems at college in
one year. Professors, deans, and residence hall assistants don’t
impose these kinds of restrictions; they resort to tactics such as
failing grades, suspension, and expulsion.
If you are the parent of a teen who hasn’t had boundary train-
ing, you may feel at a loss about what to do. You need to begin at
whatever point your teens are. When their ability to say and hear
no is deficient, clarifying house rules and consequences can often
help in the last few years before the youth leaves home.
Symptoms such as the following, however, may indicate a
more serious problem:
- Isolation of the teen from family members
- Depressed mood
- Rebellious behavior
Boundaries