219ily problems, neglect, abuse, or trauma. In other words, our
boundary conflicts may not be all our fault. They are, however,
our responsibility.
- What do you need? It’s useless to try to deal with your
boundary conflicts with yourself until you’re actively developing
safe, trusting, grace-and-truth relationships with others. You are
severely hampered in gaining either insight into or control over
yourself when you are disconnected from God’s source of spir-
itual and emotional fuel.
Plugging in to other people is often frustrating for “do-it-
yourself” people who would like a how-to manual for solving
out-of-control behaviors just as they would buy to teach them-
selves piano, plumbing, or golf. They wish to get this boundary-
setting business over with quickly.
The problem is that many people with self-boundary strug-
gles are also quite isolated from deep relationships. They have
no “rootedness” in God or others (Eph. 3:17). Thus, they have
to take what they think are steps backward to learn to connect
with others. Connecting with people is a time-consuming, risky,
and painful process. Finding the right people, group, or church
is hard enough, but after joining up, admitting your need for
others may be even more difficult.
Do-it-yourself people will often fall back into a cognitive or
willpower approach, simply because it’s not as slow or as risky.
They’ll often say things like, “Attachment is not what I want. I
have an out-of-control behavior, and I need relief from the
pain!” Though we can certainly understand their dilemma,
they’re heading toward another quick-fix dead end. Sympto-
matic relief—trying to solve a problem by only dealing with the
symptoms—generally leads to more symptoms. Jesus described
this process in a parable:
When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid
places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, “I will
return to the house I left.” When it arrives, it finds the
house swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes
seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in
and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse
than the first. (Luke 11:24–26)Boundaries and Your Self