222the out-of-control person isn’t being parented or policed. He is
hearing truth in love from a peer. He’s hearing how what he does
helps or damages those he loves. This kind of confrontation builds
an empathy-based morality, a love-based self-control.
Welcome consequences as a teacher. Learning about sowing
and reaping is valuable. It teaches us that we suffer losses when
we aren’t responsible. The impulsive overeater has medical and
social difficulties. The overspender faces bankruptcy court. The
chronically late person misses plane flights and important meet-
ings, and loses friendships. The procrastinator faces losses of
promotions and bonuses. And on and on.
We need to enter God’s training school of learning to suffer
for our irresponsibility. Not all suffering should be embraced;^2
however, when our own lack of love or responsibility causes the
suffering, pain becomes our teacher.
Learning how to develop better self-boundaries is an orderly
process. First, we are confronted about the destructiveness of our
behavior by others. Then consequences will follow if we don’t
heed the feedback. Words precede actions and give us a chance
to turn from our destructiveness before we have to suffer.
God doesn’t glory in our suffering. Just as a loving father’s
heart breaks when he sees his children in pain, God wants to
spare us pain. But when his words and the feedback of his other
children don’t reach us, consequences are the only way to keep
us from further damage. God is like the parent who warns his
teenager that drinking will cause a loss of car privileges. First,
the warning: “Stop drinking now. It will have bad consequences
for you.” Then, if it’s not heeded, car privileges are yanked. This
painful consequence prevents a possible serious catastrophe: a
drunk-driving accident.
Surround yourself with people who are loving and support-
ive. As you hear feedback and suffer consequences, maintain
close contact with your support network. Your difficulties are
too much to bear alone. You need others who will be loving and
supportive, but who will not rescue.
Boundaries