241she realized that she could say, “I will not allow myself to be
yelled at. I will go into the other room until you decide you can
talk about this without attacking me. When you can do that, I
will talk to you.”
These serious steps do not need to be taken with anger. You
can empathize lovingly and stay in the conversation, without giv-
ing in or being controlled. “I understand that you are upset that
I will not do that for you. I am sorry you feel that way. How can
I help?” Just remember that when you empathize, changing
your no will not help. Offer other options.
If you keep your boundaries, those who are angry at you will
have to learn self-control for the first time, instead of “other con-
trol,” which has been destructive to them anyway. When they no
longer have control over you, they will find a different way to
relate. But, as long as they can control you with their anger, they
will not change.
Sometimes, the hard truth is that they will not talk to you
anymore, or they will leave the relationship if they can no longer
control you. This is a true risk. God takes this risk every day. He
says that he will only do things the right way and that he will not
participate in evil. And when people choose their own ways, he
lets them go. Sometimes we have to do the same.
Guilt Messages
A man telephoned his mother, and she answered the phone
very weakly, with hardly any voice at all. Concerned, thinking
she was sick, he asked her, “Mother, what’s wrong?”
“I guess my voice doesn’t work very well anymore,” she
replied. “No one ever calls me since you children left home.”
No weapon in the arsenal of the controlling person is as
strong as the guilt message. People with poor boundaries almost
always internalize guilt messages leveled at them; they obey guilt-
inducing statements that try to make them feel bad. Consider these:
- “How could you do this to me after all I’ve done for you?”
- “It seems that you could think about someone other than
yourself for once.”
Resistance to Boundaries