243boundaries, maybe you have not looked specifically at the ones
your family or other people are using. Here are a few tips about
dealing with these external messages:
- Recognize guilt messages. Some people swallow guilt mes-
sages without seeing how controlling they are. Be open to
rebuke and feedback; you need to know when you are being
self-centered. But guilt messages are not given for your growth
and good. They are given to manipulate and control. - Guilt messages are really anger in disguise. The guilt
senders are failing to openly admit their anger at you for what
you are doing, probably because that would expose how con-
trolling they really are. They would rather focus on you and your
behavior than on how they feel. Focusing on their feelings
would get them too close to responsibility. - Guilt messages hide sadness and hurt. Instead of express-
ing and owning these feelings, people try to steer the focus onto
you and what you are doing. Recognize that guilt messages are
sometimes an expression of a person’s sadness, hurt, or need. - If guilt works on you, recognize that this is your problem
and not theirs. Realize where the real problem is: inside. Then
you will be able to deal with the outside correctly, with love and
limits. If you continue to blame other people for “making” you
feel guilty, they still have power over you, and you are saying
that you will only feel good when they stop doing that. You are
giving them control over your life. Stop blaming other people. - Do not explain or justify. Only guilty children do that. This
is only playing into their message. You do not owe guilt senders
an explanation. Just tell what you have chosen. If you want to tell
them why you made a certain decision to help them understand,
this is okay. If you wish to get them to not make you feel bad or
to resolve your guilt, you are playing into their guilt trap. - Be assertive and interpret their messages as being about
their feelings. “It sounds like you are angry that I chose to.. .”
“It sounds like you are sad that I will not.. .” “I understand you
are very unhappy about what I have decided to do. I’m sorry you
Resistance to Boundaries