247Physical Resistance
It is sad that we have to include this section, but some
people can’t maintain their boundaries with another person
because they are physically overpowered. Abusive spouses and
boyfriends will not take no for an answer; often women who try
to set limits are physically abused.
These abused individuals need help. They are often afraid
to tell anyone about what has happened, or what is continuing
to happen, for many reasons. They are trying to protect their
spouse’s reputation with friends or the church. They are afraid
to admit that they allow this treatment. They are often afraid
that they will get beaten worse if they tell. They must realize the
seriousness of the problem and get outside help. The problem
will not go away, and it could get a lot worse.
If you are in this situation, find other people to help you set
limits on the abuse. Find a counselor who has dealt with abusive
spouses before. Arrange to call people in your church if your
spouse or friend gets violent. Arrange for a place to stay
overnight if you are threatened, no matter what the hour. Call
the police and an attorney. Get a restraining order on such an
individual if he will respect no other limit. Do it for yourself and
for your children. Do not allow this to go on. Seek help.
Pain of Others
When we begin to set boundaries with people we love, a
really hard thing happens: they hurt. They may feel a hole where
you used to plug up their aloneness, their disorganization, or
their financial irresponsibility. Whatever it is, they will feel a
loss.
If you love them, this will be difficult for you to watch. But,
when you are dealing with someone who is hurting, remember
that your boundaries are both necessary for you and helpful for
them. If you have been enabling them to be irresponsible, your
limit setting may nudge them toward responsibility.
Resistance to Boundaries