265- Stay in your support group. Guilt is not resolved by just
retraining your mind. You need the new connections to inter-
nalize new voices in your head. - Do not be surprised by grief. This will be sad, but let oth-
ers love you in that process. Mourners can be comforted.
Abandonment Fears: Taking a Stand in a Vacuum
Remember from the developmental section in Chapter 4 that
boundaries come after bonding. God designed the learning
process this way. Babies must be secure before they learn bound-
aries so that learning separateness will not be frightening, but new
and exciting. Children who have good connections naturally begin
to set boundaries and move away from others. They have enough
love inside to risk setting boundaries and gaining independence.
But if one does not have secure bonding, setting boundaries
is too frightening. Many people stay in destructive relationships
because they fear abandonment. They fear that if they stand up
for themselves, they will be all alone in the world. They would
rather have no boundaries and some connection than have
boundaries and be all alone.
Boundaries are not built in a vacuum. They must be under-
girded by strong bonding to safe people, or they will fail. If you
have a good support group to go to after setting boundaries with
someone you love, you will not be alone.
Being “rooted and grounded” in love in the body of Christ
and with God will be the developmental fuel you need to risk
boundary setting. People often vacillate between compliance
and isolation. Neither is healthy or sustainable for very long.
Over and over in our hospital program we have seen people
in destructive patterns unable to set limits because they were
working in a vacuum. They repeatedly say that the understand-
ing support they received in the program fueled them to do the
hard things they had never been able to do.
If It Were Easy, You Would Have Done It By Now
This chapter is about trouble, the kind Jesus warned about.
“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have
Resistance to Boundaries