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better able to be honest about differences and disagreements,
you will be better able to allow your anger to help you.
Step #2: A Change of Tastes—Becoming Drawn
to Boundary-Lovers
It had been a full twelve months since Tammy and Scott had
changed churches. They were reflecting back on the last year.
They had attended their former church since their marriage
several years ago. It was a doctrinally correct and active fellow-
ship. But one problem that didn’t go away was the church mem-
bers’ attitude toward attendance at church functions. They placed
a great premium on being present at each and every gathering,
from choir specials to night-time services to weekly Bible studies.
When Scott and Tammy had to miss meetings, conflicts
arose. They recalled the night old friends from out-of-town
came to visit them. Tammy had called Janice, her Bible study
leader, to tell her they’d be missing that evening’s meeting.
“I think there’s a problem in commitment here, Tammy,”
Janice had replied. “If we really meant something to you, you’d
be here. But you just go and do what you have to do.”
Tammy was furious—and hurt. Janice had shamed her for
wanting to have a night off with her friends. It was this inability
of her group to understand the word no that subsequently
fueled the couple’s move to another church.
Now, a year later, she and Scott were pleased with their
decision. Though their present fellowship was also conservative
and active, stressing lots of involvement, they didn’t become
critical or judgmental when members needed time off for some
reason or another.
“How’s this for a contrast?” Scott said to Tammy. “I called
Mark, our men’s prayer breakfast leader yesterday—I’d just
flown in on a red-eye flight from L.A. I told him I’d be shot if I
went to the breakfast. What do you think he told me? ‘What are
you doing on the phone with me?’ he said. ‘Get yourself in bed
and catch some Z’s!’ That sort of understanding makes me want
to be there next time.”
Boundaries