275loving others, and you can’t love others unless you have received
love inside yourself.
Have you had Steve’s experience? Is getting help and learn-
ing self-protection and biblical boundaries important to you? If
it isn’t, it will be difficult, if not impossible, to go through the
hard work of developing good limits. You may need to spend
some time around people who have a mature understanding of
healthy boundaries and learn from their modeling.
This principle is illustrated when the psalmist says, “Above
all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Prov.
4:23). When we “watch over” our hearts (the home of our trea-
sures), we guard them. We are to value our treasures so much
that we keep them protected. Whatever we don’t value, we don’t
guard. The security around a bank is significantly tighter than
that around a junkyard!
Begin a list of your “treasures”: your time, money, feelings,
and beliefs. How do you want others to treat them? How do you
want others to not treat them?
Step #5: Practicing Baby No’s
The group was silent. After many sessions of considering the
prospect, Shareen was about to set a limit with another group
member for the first time in her life. Praying silently, the group
waited to see if she could become a truthteller.
I had asked Shareen to mention to a group member one
thing that had rubbed her the wrong way in the past few ses-
sions. Though she was terrified, she agreed to try. At first she
said nothing, obviously gathering up courage. Then, slowly, she
turned to a woman sitting next to her and said, “Carolyn, I don’t
know how to say this, but here goes. It bothers me when you
always take the good chair at group.” Quickly, she ducked her
head, waiting for the rebuttal.
There was none, at least not what Shareen had expected.
“I’ve been waiting for you to say something,” Carolyn
explained. “I knew you were acting distant toward me, but I
didn’t know why. It helps to know, and I feel closer to you now.
How to Measure Success with Boundaries