278
come to mind. This step deals with those extremely complicated,
conflictual, frightening relationships. Straightening out these
relationships is a major goal in becoming a boundaried person.
The fact that this is the seventh, and not the second, step under-
scores the importance of making sure we’ve done our painstaking
homework and practice before now. Setting important limits with
signficant people is the fruit of much work and maturing.
It’s important not to confuse our goals here. Often, Chris-
tians who have been boundary injured think that the objective
is to set limits on those important areas, and get life stabilized
again. They may be living for the day when “I can tell Mom no.”
Or when “I can set limits on my husband’s drinking.” While
these sorts of confrontations are very important (Jesus spoke of
them in Matthew 18:15–20), they aren’t the ultimate target of
learning boundaries.
Our real target is maturity—the ability to love successfully
and work successfully, the way God does. This is the goal of
becoming more like Christ:
Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will
be has not yet been made known. But we know that when
he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he
is. (1 John 3:2)
Boundary setting is a large part of maturing. We can’t really
love until we have boundaries—otherwise we love out of com-
pliance or guilt. And we can’t really be productive at work with-
out boundaries; otherwise we’re so busy following others’
agendas that we’re doubleminded and unstable (James 1:8). The
goal is to have a character structure that has boundaries and that
can set limits on self and others at the appropriate times. Having
internal boundaries results in having boundaries in the world:
“For as he thinks within himself, so he is” (Prov. 23:7 NASB).
Developing a well-defined, honest, and goal-oriented char-
acter structure produces this step. By this time, those frighten-
ing major no’s have been prepared for over time, with lots of
work and practice.
Boundaries