281posed marriage to Sylvia. And she was attracted to him; they
seemed to be compatible in so many ways. There was only one
problem: they had only been dating a few weeks. Peter’s impul-
sive proposal was pushing it a little for Sylvia’s tastes.
“And though I love you,” she continued, “I need more time
for us to be together before we get engaged. So, because I can’t
say yes to you, I’m saying no.”
Sylvia shows the fruit of maturing boundaries. She wasn’t
sure, so she said no. People with undeveloped limit-setting abil-
ities do the opposite. They say yes when they are unsure. Then,
when they have committed themselves to someone else’s sched-
ule, they realize that they don’t want to be in that particular sit-
uation anymore. But, by then, it’s too late.
I worked as a house parent in a children’s home for a time.
In our training for the job of living in the same cottage with sev-
eral active adolescents, one experienced professional told us,
“There are two ways you can start off with kids: first, you can say
yes to everything. Then, when you start putting limits on them,
they’ll resent you and rebel. Or you can begin with clear and
strict limits. After they get used to your style, you can loosen up
a little. They’ll love you forever.”
Obviously, the second method worked better. Not only did
it clarify my boundaries for the kids, it taught me to free up my
own no. This principle is at the heart of this yardstick: our no
becomes as free as our yes. In other words, when you are as free
to say no to a request as you are to say yes, you are well on the
way to boundary maturity. There’s no conflict, no second
thoughts, no hesitation in using either word.
Think for a second about the last time you were asked for
something from someone. Perhaps it was for some of your time
that you weren’t sure you had to give. Suppose the person ask-
ing is not selfish, manipulative, or controlling. Reasonable
people can make reasonable requests sometimes.
So you were asked for something you weren’t sure you had left
over to give. You weren’t sure you could do it with a “cheerful
heart” (2 Cor. 9:7). What happened next is what this particular
boundary yardstick is all about. You probably did one of two things:
How to Measure Success with Boundaries